Why should you stop shoplifting? What a great question for anyone addicted to stealing. People addicted to shoplifting face a difficult road, so knowing WHY you want to stop will empower you to do WHAT will be required of you in order to stop.
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche.
The following are some “whys” that were discovered after my last arrest when faced with the question, “Why stop shoplifting.” Try to see if these answers are similar to what yours would be if you attempted to answer the question. There are five general areas of life to show you my primary “whys” that have helped me to stay honest since then. The five general areas of motivation are social, spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial.
My list of “whys” will surely sound excessively “Pollyanna” as you were not there to watch me suffer through years of growing pains. It has taken literally years to work through who I am, what I was really searching for when I was stealing, and what my purpose is in this life. There was a lot of groping in the darkness and feeling my way around in order to figure out one thing, and that led to the next discovery, which lead to the next revelation. Therefore, know that this is a long, painful, and discouraging path that will not bring success the instant you decide to stop stealing. My “why” unfolded one humbling discovery at a time. I remember hurting so bad that I would have to pull off the road because I could not stop crying. The shame and regret washed over me every day for months on end. Some of the books I read hit me so hard that it felt like something inside me was literally breaking. There were months of tears and self-examination – and I did not like the ugly things I was finding. Each new discovery destroyed almost everything I thought I knew about myself. This process revealed and unraveled one self-deception at a time. Finally, a point was reached where it felt that I could go no lower. Then, one truth at a time, the painful process of building my new life began. Therefore, please read the pain between every line of each of my “whys” listed below.
Also, understand that you will need to be patient with yourself and allow the truth to take you where you must go to find the life you are seeking. Yes, we screwed up, but we did the best we could with the mind we had at the time. Give yourself some loving kindness and allow yourself some room to learn and grow. There is a light at the end of your tunnel, and no, it’s not a train. The only way for you to make it through to the honest side of the relearning process is to find your “whys” and keep them close to your heart. They will carry you through the pain and struggles you will surely face.
Social Improvement
Let’s start with the “social why.” As social creatures, humans need each other to live fulfilling lives, and social norms help us live together in harmony. One of these norms is that stealing is wrong since it goes against society’s moral and ethical code and violates the property rights of the community. Stealing is generally condemned as a violation of the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” People who steal are usually looked down upon by society, including their enemies, friends, and family, as it harms public trust and social unity. Therefore, it’s important to avoid shoplifting, not only to avoid legal trouble but also to maintain relationships and your reputation in the community. Following the golden rule and treating others how you’d like to be treated is the best way to be someone that people can trust and rely on. This leads me to my most significant reason to stop shoplifting: family.
Family
Fear of losing my wife was my greatest motivation to stop stealing. I met my wife three years prior to getting arrested, and we had been married about two years before I was caught shoplifting. My shoplifting addiction was a big secret that I kept from her because I knew that she would certainly be ashamed of me if she found out, and that turned out to be a correct assumption. I was forced to tell my wife about my arrest which devastated her and shattered the image of the man she thought she married. She was scheduled to take a trip out of town just at this time, and she expressed her doubts about how our relationship would fare in light of my shoplifting revelation. I had to sit alone in our house for days wondering if she would leave me. I cannot express to you in words how much fear and dread the thought of losing my wife brought to me.
I determined there and then that I would find a way to stop stealing. Admittedly there was a lot of fear that I would not be able to stop because I had been stealing for so long. Fortunately, the fear of losing my wife was “my bottom.” It hit me like running into a brick wall and I fell into both depression and an unstoppable determination to quit stealing in order to win my precious wife’s trust back.
Ironically, while my wife was out of town she took off her wedding ring in anger and threw it in the hotel dresser drawer, and went to her meetings for the day. Room service came in and stole the ring, but there was no way to prove the theft. It was one more blow to my ego and to our relationship.
It was a wonderful day when my wife forgave me and placed her trust in me again shortly after she saw my determination to change. I am very fortunate because it is uncommon for a spouse/partner to trust the person who has been “successfully” keeping such a big secret for years. She not only forgave me, but she became my biggest cheerleader in learning to think correctly. What’s more, our relationship has become better than it ever was before my arrest because of all the life-building character traits I gained through the process. We have been married for over a decade now and our relationship gets sweeter every year we are together. I am now thankful I was caught and arrested because of all the wonderful things I learned and received in the relearning process.
Additionally, I was totally embarrassed when my wife’s daughters were told about my arrest. Thankfully they never rejected me for my addiction, but I knew I let them down. I set a bad example of how to live life as a good citizen and a Dad. Since that time I have made it my goal to demonstrate my commitment to being an extremely honest person. I am committed to making my life a living example of honesty and integrity. I want them to be proud of me, and that desire motivates me to keep practicing the principles of honesty I have learned on the recovery road.
“Addiction doesn’t just affect the addict; it affects the entire family.
Overcoming addiction is the best thing you can do for your loved ones.”
― Unknown
Are there some family members that motivate you to either stop shoplifting or stay honest from now on? Write their name(s) here and be specific as to why they inspire you to live a life of integrity. What feelings do you feel when you think about stealing again? What feelings do you have about them when you think about living honestly?
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Community
Even though I appeared to be a person of integrity and a productive member of society, the community would condemn and reject me if they found out about my destructive stealing habit. There was a lot of shame inside of me because I knew my actions were destructive to the community. I remember thinking that if everyone went around stealing like me, our entire nation could fall into chaos and fall apart. Every part of me knew that my shoplifting was a reprehensible lifestyle, yet I kept doing it for years.
I was very fortunate that the secret of my shoplifting was never revealed publically because my criminal charges were dismissed and never entered into public records. This is something I did not deserve, but the justice system in my area gave me a “second” chance despite knowing I had an addiction to stealing and that I had been doing it for years. I am still amazed at the mercy that I was given.
Now, there is motivation to not just look like a man of integrity but actually be one. There is now a desire to contribute to the community and form meaningful connections with people. When I was hiding my addictive behavior, building community connections wasn’t possible. But now I am committed to integrity and it is possible to truly be a productive member of society and make a positive impact. There is now something inside that makes me want to be a positive force in this world, rather than a leach-like being.
My Dad served a 20-year sentence in the state prison. He was told by his girlfriend that he would need to be three times better than the average citizen in order to rise above the stigma of his reputation. Taking this advice to heart, my Dad made it his life’s mission to become a model citizen and a neighbor that people would enjoy having next door. He worked hard to be respectful, courteous, and helpful to those around him, always going above and beyond what was expected. He remained committed to his goal and was ultimately successful in becoming the kind of person that anyone would be proud to call their friend despite the challenges he faced in readjusting to life outside of prison. When he died there were many people in his community who attended his memorial service to testify to his deep and meaningful contributions to the community, helping many to overcome their addictions and purposeful life.
“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”
― Winston Churchill
Do you have the desire to be connected to your community by being a good citizen and neighbor? Is there something inside you that wants to be known as someone who contributes to rather than someone who disrupts the community? How can your community inspire you to stay honest and shoplifting-free? Express that in the lines below.
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Spiritual Improvement
Many people addicted to shoplifting feel like rudderless boats on the sea of life, drifting around with no rutter to control their direction, and no motor or sails to propel them to their unknown destination. It is no wonder that we end up alone in a pirate’s bay on a deserted island in our search for life’s treasure. I found a sick purpose in shoplifting and a sweet perpetual reward that could never satisfy my deepest needs. The answer to our search for meaning in this life is obtained when true spirituality is found.
There is something inside that wants to improve spiritually. Every one of us is a spiritual being in a general sense. Consider how the following doctors define what it means to be spiritual: Dr. Andrew Weil and Dr. Daniel Amen have different definitions of spirituality. Dr. Weil defines spirituality as a sense of connection to something greater than oneself, including nature, art, music, or a higher power. He believes that spirituality can promote emotional well-being, reduce stress, and enhance the body’s ability to heal itself. Dr. Amen, on the other hand, defines spirituality as a sense of purpose and meaning in life, which he believes can improve mental and physical health. He suggests that spirituality can enhance brain function and reduce stress, which can in turn improve overall health. I have found my spirituality in my life-purpose and human connection which, according to the above definitions, has the added benefit of promoting health and well-being. It appears evident from many studies that humans have a basic need for purpose and significance in this life, and to find meaning in what can feel like a meaningless existence. Connecting with your purpose brings a “spirituality” that can motivate you to be an honest person.
My purpose in life is to always give more than I take. It sounds simple and anticlimactic, but this simple paradigm shift has revolutionized every thought in my inner world. This is the result of my newfound perspective which emerged when shoplifting was no longer a blinding influence. This purpose now impacts every relationship, whether it’s with family, friends, society, business, animals, or the planet in general. It can even apply to people who act in ways that are repulsive and offensive to me.
My new spiritual purpose in life has motivated me to live an honest life, bringing a deep sense of personal contentment. I always felt like I didn’t want to exist and wished I had never been born. I was never suicidal, but I found no joy or peace in being alive for the first 50+ years of my life. I now believe that my feeling of meaninglessness was at the core of my addiction. What was really needed was a reason to live and a purpose to exist. Everything began to change through the lessons learned in the progressive process of overcoming my addiction. Now, after years of learning and growth, there are very few days where I don’t find a deep contentment that brings my spirit peace and inner joy. I discovered a better understanding of myself while searching for the reason I started stealing. Getting caught shoplifting has become an important event in my life because it opened my blinded eyes to my true meaning and purpose in life. I have finally learned how to be alive.
“When death finds you, may it find you alive.”
— African Proverb
What is your spiritual purpose in life? How would living honestly improve you spiritually? If you don’t feel spiritual, how do you think a shoplifting-free life would enable you to find connection and a reason to be alive? (Don’t worry if you are drawing blanks here. Some people lack spiritual direction and will find it along the road to integrity. Look for it!) Can you think of anything you can begin doing that would shed some light on a life purpose? (E.g., volunteer work at an animal shelter, a homeless shelter, or helping to lead a support group.)
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Emotional Improvement
Overcoming a shoplifting addiction can have a significant impact on various areas of an individual’s life, including problems with fear, shame, depression, and a poor self-image, to name a few. This area of improvement is what I refer to as the “emotional self.” While the well-being of the emotional self is closely related to being spiritual, it is distinctly separate.
A big paradigm shift in the way I perceived my life was required. I needed a more realistic and healthier way to see my life and my relationship with the world, but looking back I feel like I was blinded to reality. Part of me was proud and working toward what I thought would be a brighter future. But there was another part that was filled with fear, shame, and self-loathing. My negative emotions were somehow hidden from my conscious mind, and I believe those negative emotions were the source of my general depression and discontentment.
The first part of my emotional awakening occurred in handcuffs in the back of a police car in 2013. I slowly began to figure out that my shoplifting addiction was my way of trying to cope with my hidden negative emotions that were directed at others and at myself. Some of those negative emotions of shame and fear were directly related to shoplifting itself, but most of those emotions were there long before I started stealing. As indicated above, this emotional journey of overcoming addiction has been a long and sometimes painful road. It was not possible to go around the unhealthy feelings that were coming to light. They had to be faced and worked through until healthy emotions and feeling replaced the harmful ones.
I want to assure you that you can find a world of positive emotions that will eclipse and in some cases eliminate your chronic negatively-charged emotional life. I discovered a life where fear and shame have been put in their proper place, and self-loathing has been eliminated. I am not saying that I walk around with a manic smile on my face always ecstatic about being alive. I am talking about feeling a deep joy and contentment with my life regardless if everything is going my way, or if things are going very badly. It’s an emotional feeling that seems to tell me that everything will work out just fine. My new contentment allows me to be in a calm and relaxed mental state throughout the day which I never dreamed could be possible.
Once I discovered that I could feel this good, I could never unknow it. Now when I think about shoplifting again, I know that I would be giving up the wonderful feelings that come with honesty and integrity. Feeling good and emotionally stable makes it so much easier to stay away from stealing. Additionally, I never want to feel the shame of being found out and the fear of losing my wife, business, and house. It is so good to be on this side of my emotional put.
Your turn. How do you feel right now? What emotions would you like to transform from negative to positive? (Some negative emotions include sadness, anger, fear, disgust, envy, guilt, shame, jealousy, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, confusion, frustration, despair, and indignation. Some positive emotions that can replace your negative emotions include joy, love, surprise, trust, anticipation, hope, pride, excitement, gratitude, empathy, nostalgia, amusement, euphoria, and awe.) Take some time to close your eyes and as yourself if there are any hidden emotions within you and see what you discover. Write it all down. How would you feel if you stopped stealing?
“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can.
Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.”
— Vironika Tugaleva
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Physical Improvement
Dr. Daniel Amen, a psychiatrist and brain health expert, concludes that a brain-healthy diet and physical exercise can improve cognitive function and help individuals make better decisions. Specifically, you will have a greater ability to override your impulses to shoplift and to make the hard choices to do the things you really want to do. (See his book, “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.”) However, people caught in an addiction cycle tend to allow their physical health to deteriorate. The deterioration of the body results in a weakened ability to resist addictive cravings. A vicious cycle is created where the addiction leads us to eat healthfully and neglect physical exercise which in turn weakens our ability to make good decisions to stop stealing.
No, this does not mean that eating healthfully and doing physical exercise prevents me from shoplifting. However, taking care of my brain and body has given me a greater ability to see the consequences of my potential actions which makes it easier to do the right thing when I am triggered and tempted to steal.
My progression was clear to see looking back. I read Dr. Amen’s book, I changed my diet permanently, I increased my weekly exercise routine, and several wonderful things happened. I slowly got the ability to make better decisions, and I also gained a better self-image, and the ability to enjoy life more fully. It finally sunk into my brain that my health is vital for living a full and rich life. I now have a goal to stay in shape in order to enjoy life and give to my family, community, and world for as long as possible. Taking care of my physical health is now a foundational motivation for me to stay away from shoplifting.
That last paragraph sounds very simple, but changing to a healthy lifestyle from an unhealthy one can be a monumental mountain to climb for most people. I had struggled my whole life with unhealthy eating habits and a lack of physical activity. Many people who struggle with shoplifting also suffered from eating disorders. I was fat throughout my entire childhood and my self-image was badly warped. Looking at my reflection was like looking in a funhouse mirror. There was a fat slob looking back at me no matter what my weight was. So don’t misunderstand me. The physical improvement mindset came about because the relearning process had broken me down to the point where I was able to finally build something meaningful on the new foundation that was laid. In other words, the refining fire of relearning made me ready for a radical change. But now this radical change motivates me every day to never shoplift again.
Go easy on yourself. Start small with the goal of finding a healthier you along your road to honesty and integrity.
Your turn. Write about how you think a healthy brain and body might help you to make better decisions when you struggle with shoplifting and also make you feel better in general about yourself.
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Financial Improvement
Most people who shoplift addictively do not or cannot think through the true financial risk they are exposing themselves to. Perhaps you are like me when I was shoplifting, never allowing yourself to sit down and calculate the cost of stealing in terms of lost time and all that is at risk if you are caught. I get it! I remember all of the thoughts I avoided “really thinking” about, and how I was able to rationalize (rational lies) my actions.
I always thought that I was shoplifting to improve my financial well-being, and also because it was an escape from “real life.” Of course, that thought process all changed when I got caught and started paying for my crime. I had to pay for my attorney and court costs. I also faced the threat of losing my business and the ability to get a job to replace my lost income. Consequently, there was the potential that I was going to lose my house due to the loss of employment. Losing my business would have also negatively impacted my employees and my family. I found a sudden and strong financial motivation to stop shoplifting the day I got caught. The costs slowly rolled in one expense and one potential future loss at a time. It was devastating and overwhelming. I never want to have that feeling again of having my financial well-being and that of my family and employees threatened by my addiction.
All my charges were eventually dropped and the fees got paid, and I think half my hair turned gray during what felt like the longest six months of my life as I waited for the court to decide my fate. Finally, after many sleepless nights and fearful depressing days, the verdict came and it was in my favor. That time in financial limbo was enough to scare me straight. I no longer spend countless hours stealing and planning to steal because I am engaged in honest and productive labor, and I am motivated to never put myself or my family through that threat again. That’s my financial “why.”
Your turn. Would you like to get your financial life in order? Would you like to stop spending hours and hours shoplifting and thinking about shoplifting? Would you like to stop threatening your own ability to earn a living, paying for attorney fees, court costs, and restitution fees?
Perhaps you have not been caught shoplifting yet. You may not be able to see the true cost of spending your time and emotional energy to go out and shoplift. Take just a moment to visualize what the true cost is to lose this time when you could be doing something productive. Now visualize that you are going to get arrested. You will be faced with the cost of a good attorney with will be $2,000-$3,500. You will possibly lose your job, and you may not be able to find another decent job ever again because of employer background checks. You will be paying court costs and perhaps losing days of work because you are sitting in jail. Really close your eyes now and imagine what shoplifting can cost you. Write your thought about what you have just imagined.
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“Whys” from People in My Support Group
This section will include some of the “Whys” from people in our Thursday Support Group. This will give you a few insights into the motivations of others who used to be in the grip of a shoplifting addiction and started on the road to relearning how to process thoughts in an healthy way. Each of the people I will list used to shoplift every day and could not see how they would ever stop. They found their way onto our Thursday night support call and eventually found a way to stop stealing for good. They have all been coming to the call for years. Some reported a lapse (shoplifting one time), but none have reported a relapse (going back to compulsive/addictive shoplifting). Listen to what they said when I asked them why they stopped stealing.
Steve – PA
“I had a great job at the United States Post Office where I was stealing stamps on a regular basis and shoplifting whenever I had the chance. I had been stealing for decades. I felt invisible when I was stealing and I believed I would never be caught. I found out later that there were two-way mirrors at the post office where they recorded me stealing stamps which is a federal crime. I found myself in federal court listening to a judge sentencing me to federal prison time. The bailiff put the cuffs on me and took me to my new ‘home away from home.’ I had a lot of time to think about where I was and what my future would look like if I continued to steal. I remember asking myself, ‘Is this what I want for my life?’ I stopped stealing because I did not want to spend my life in prison. That’s my ‘why.’”
Nadine – PA
“I shoplifted for decades and was not able to stop myself. I was arrested several times, but that did not stop me. I was finally able to stop stealing when I got sick and tired of being ashamed. I stopped because I wanted my son to be proud of me. These are my ‘whys.’”
David – NO
“I was a repeat offender with multiple arrests. I had tried to stop several times in the past, but I never spent any time in jail. My last arrest was different. The police carted me off to jail for the night and I finally thought about the downward spiral of this addiction. I decided to start looking for help. That’s when I found the phone support group. So my “why” is that I did not want to go where I saw my addiction was taking me.”
Jenny – TX
“I had been shoplifting for quite a while. I knew the odds of getting caught we increasing every time I stole. I decided that I wanted to know why I started this self-destructive addiction. Also, I was tired of living in the clutter of all the items around my house that I had stolen.”
Lily – TX
“I had been caught shoplifting four times, and I was told by the judge that a fifth time would mean jail time for me. I was afraid to spend even one night in jail. Also, I did not want to disappoint my husband as I was causing him stress and driving him into depression. Finally, I was just tired of living a lie.”
Conclusion:
Your relearning process to honesty from a stealing addiction starts with taking personal responsibility for your life and actions. Stephen Covey, author of “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” put it in these terms: You are the “computer programmer” of your own life. You must write your own relearning program, and then run the program you have written. There is no other person in the world but you who can bring you to a life of honesty and integrity.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Viktor Frankl’s
Take some time to write the thoughts that are coming to mind now that you have completed this section of the workbook. Write out as many of your “whys” that you believe will motivate your to stop stealing and stay honest. Next, prioritize them from most motivating to least. Finally, write your “whys” on a small card and carry it with you wherever you go. Make a commitment to read it just prior to entering a shop and to carry that list in your hand until you are back out to the parking lot.
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